Overcoming Limiting Beliefs

Tête carrée…

That was the name the kids in elementary school called me to make fun of me for not being ‘French enough’.

Although my mother tongue is French, I grew up in Ottawa in a bilingual household, and my daycare worker was English through and through. Despite attending French primary, middle, and secondary schools, French never stuck well in my head.

I caught English like it was the common cold, but French eluded me.

French grammar, in particular, caused me the most headaches: ”la” or “le”, “un” or “une”—why did everything have to be so complicated?

This wasn’t as much of an issue when I lived in Ottawa, except for being reprimanded for speaking English at school. At that point in my life, I was a spitfire, sometimes refusing to speak French out of protest. However it didn’t define me or my worth.

But everything changed when my family moved to a French community. The kids at my new school spoke impeccable French, with no English accents to be found. I stuck out like a sore thumb with my bad grammar, slight accent, and tendency to default to English when thinking and communicating.

As is no surprise to anyone, kids can be mean. I was ridiculed and called names. The message was clear: I was an outsider.

Although I tried to be tough and act like their words did not hurt, they did cut deep. My self-worth began to merge with the idea that I wasn’t good in French. When I started high school, I figured I wasn’t good enough for academic French, so I enrolled into applied French. Fortunately, my teacher could see past my limiting beliefs and pushed me to complete high school in academic French, which I did with no issues.

I completed my university studies in English because it’s the language I’m strongest in. But at graduation, I faced a big choice: either let my limiting beliefs dictate my life and career, or not let my limiting beliefs define me anymore.

This was an important decision. I love my community and wanted to work to help the individuals in it, but this would mean working primarily in French.

The steps I took are the steps that I recommend for others struggling with their own limiting beliefs.

1) Identify and Name Your Limiting Belief

At first glance, this may sound easy. But the problem with long-held beliefs is that they are pervasive and tend to play in the background of our minds even when we are not consciously aware of them. First, bring it into awareness. Look at the messages you’re telling yourself and explore how this messaging has been holding you back in life.

It’s also helpful to explore where these beliefs come from, such as a comment from a friend, teacher or even parent.

For me it was easy enough to identify—I’d been getting comments about my French my whole life.

2) Recognize That It’s Just a Belief and Challenge It

Explore the belief and you may notice that it’s not based in facts. The messages that you received from others tend to say more about them and their view of the world than what is true about you. Challenge it by asking questions such as: What are the supporting facts for this belief? Is there evidence counteracting my belief?

For me, this step was trickier. I do have an accent, I’m not great with French grammar, and I am much stronger in English than in French. I felt I had lots of facts showing that my limiting belief was valid. Even now, I still get comments and snickers from peers and colleagues regarding my French. But I found ways to challenge it. Here’s what I noticed: During interviews for new jobs, I would explicitly mention my difficulty in French compared to English but generally still got hired. I have worked in many jobs primarily in French with no issues; my French grammar has never impacted my work, and I can work with clients in both French and English. I realized that others’ comments belonged to them; I did not have to own them. And yes, I may not be amazing in French, but i’m good enough!

3) Adopt a New Belief and Change your Self-Talk

Change your negative self-talk into positive self-talk. Choose a new belief that will positively impact your life. Something based in facts will generally hold more power.

For me, this looks like: I am fluently bilingual in French and English and able to work in both languages without difficulty. I am particularly strong in English, so I lean more into this skill set when writing and communicating my thoughts. It’s not that I am worse in French; I’m just better in English. My capacity to communicate well in English has actually served me positively in the positions I have held over the years.

I wish I could tell you that this no longer impacts me and that I have fully moved past my limiting belief about my French, but that would be a lie. It’s still something I struggle with, and the comments from others still hurt. It can be so easy to slide back into my old ways of thinking. But I no longer allow it to define me. I simply go back through the steps I have named above. I no longer allow the opinions of others to dictate my life or guide my decisions.

I am sharing this with you today because I think it’s important to talk about these types of things. We all have things that impact our beliefs towards ourselves, and they can limit our potential if we allow it. I hope that this blog post gets you thinking and questioning your own limiting beliefs. But don’t expect a drastic change overnight. You have been carrying your limiting beliefs for years. Healing takes time, but awareness, in my opinion, is the first step.

Remember, you are more than the opinions of others.