Why You Don’t Owe Your Partner Sex (and How to Reconnect With Intimacy)
So, your partner is continuously asking you for intimacy—most likely sex—and you could not be further from interested. Maybe your partner isn’t thrilled about that, and you might feel irritated or resentful that they keep asking when you’re just depleted. Or maybe you even feel guilty, because there’s this unspoken expectation that you should be engaging in intimacy.
This is something I see come up a lot in my work with moms. It usually doesn’t surface in the very first session, but by the third or fourth, when they feel more comfortable, they’ll tell me about struggles in their relationship—most often, that their partner wants sex, and they don’t.
It’s a common issue, and it can feel heavy on both sides. So let’s talk about it.
Why You Don’t Want Sex (and Why It’s Valid)
The reasons you don’t want to be intimate with your partner are usually very valid. Moms are exhausted. You’re balancing work, kids, the house—lists upon lists, both on paper and in your head. Your body doesn’t even feel like your own anymore. Between little ones hanging off you and chauffeuring kids to hockey or baseball, it’s no wonder you feel depleted.
So when your partner asks for sex, it can hit differently depending on the circumstances:
If your partner is supportive: Even with a helpful, involved partner, you may still feel too depleted and exhausted to even think about sex.
If your partner isn’t supportive: Resentment can set in when they’re not pulling their weight at home. In that case, it’s not just exhaustion—it’s that you don’t even want to be with them in that moment.
Both of these are valid reasons. And here’s the key: you don’t owe anyone sex. It’s not part of the marriage contract. It’s not your job. Forcing yourself won’t feel good for you, and honestly, it won’t feel good for your partner either.
What Your Partner Really Wants
For many men (and I’m speaking in generalizations, since many of my clients are in heterosexual relationships), intimacy is expressed through physical connection. Sex makes them feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.
But that still doesn’t mean you owe it to them.
I want you to want to have sex—not because you should, but because sex in a healthy, consensual relationship is supposed to be fun. When we’re depleted, though, it can start to feel like another chore to check off the list.
I want to help you get back to a place where intimacy feels good for you again.
How to Start Reconnecting With Yourself
The first step isn’t about forcing yourself into the mood. It’s about taking care of yourself.
When I work with clients on intimacy issues, we start with prioritizing themselves:
Put down what’s not essential on your list.
Create space for yourself.
Set boundaries to protect that space.
Boundaries aren’t just about holding them silently—you have to communicate them. That means telling people (including your partner) what you will and won’t accept.
For example, you might say:
“I don’t want to have sex because I don’t feel like we’re in a good, healthy place right now. I feel like I’m carrying too much, and I need you to share the load.”
Sometimes, it’s that simple: stating your needs, even if it feels awkward at first.
When It’s About the Relationship
If the issue runs deeper than exhaustion—maybe resentment about responsibilities or a lack of emotional connection—working on yourself is step one. But after that, it may be time to consider couples counseling or mediation.
That’s not about “fixing” you. It’s about creating space to show up as a team, to understand each other’s needs, and to rebuild intimacy in a way that feels good for both of you.
When You Already Have a Supportive Partner
Now, sometimes your partner is amazing. They share responsibilities, support your growth, cheer you on… and yet, you still don’t feel like being intimate.
In those cases, once you’ve taken care of yourself and created space for your own needs, it’s about looking deeper. Often, this comes down to reconnecting with each other—remembering that you chose each other, that you were in love, and that life’s busyness has pushed that aside.
Sometimes, all it takes is honest conversation and small steps back toward intimacy.
A Gentle Reminder
You don’t owe your partner sex. You are not broken. You are not defective.
The reasons you might not want intimacy are many—exhaustion, resentment, lack of connection, or simply being overwhelmed. None of those make you “less than.”
And the good news? You are not stuck. When you start prioritizing your own well-being and openly communicating your needs, intimacy doesn’t have to feel like a chore. You can want it again, in your own time, in your own way.
Watch the full video version of this blog here: Why Moms Often Don’t Want Sex (and What to Do About It)